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If I were a movie director and watch Hollywood sex movies in HDsome intern passed a script to me that featured a candidate like Roy Moore, I would send them back to Oberlin immediately.

Audiences simply wouldn't believe that a caricature like this existed IRL.

Alas, Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore is just as bad as every post you've been too depressed to read says he is. Moore, who won Alabama's Republican Senate primary last night, is a former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court and a gun-toting parody of a human.

You probably don't want to know much more about him. But he's the (incredibly early) favorite for Alabama's open Senate seat, so better get your sad facts straight now.

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Important fact to remember and passively-aggressively tweet: Moore has so far been embraced, not rejected, by Republican party leaders like Pence.

Here are just a few highlights from Moore's career.

1. He thinks homosexuality should be criminalized

Credit: scott olson/Getty Images

In 2005, Moore said that homosexuality should be illegal, arguing that it is defined by the law as detestable. Just last week, Moore complained that "sodomy [and] sexual perversion sweep the land.”

As a member of the sodomite community, I can gleefully confirm Moore's latest allegations.

2. He has appeared multiple times on radio with a pastor who thinks the punishment for homosexuality should be death

Controversial Pastor Kevin Swanson said in 2015, "In fact in Romans 1 Paul affirms that this particular sin (homosexuality) is worthy of death. The Old and New Testament, I believe both speak with authority and we oughta receive it."

Even Texas Senator Ted Cruz regretted appearing with him at a "Kill the Gays Conference," but then again, he has his own shitty Twitter porn to atone for.

3. Moore doesn't believe that Obama is an American citizen and suggested that the Alabama Supreme Court should investigate the matter

Wonder what current American president he got that idea from?

4. Moore believes 9/11 was a punishment from God for America's "godliness."

Sounds like God really needs an anger management workshop.

5. Moore calls Native Americans and Asians "reds and yellows," respectively.

Red, yellow, black and white they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world. This is the Gospel. (1/2)

— Judge Roy Moore (@MooreSenate) September 18, 2017

In a speech about racial division in September, he referred to the two groups using common Crayola colors.

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He has yet to identify Trump's proper Crayola ethnicity, burnt orange.

6. In 2016, Moore was suspended from the Alabama Supreme Court for directing the state's probate justices to continue to enforce the ban on same-sex marriage.

"And the Lord said, 'These sodomites shall not have registries on Crate and Barrel.com.'"

7. He compared the Koran to Mein Kampf and said Muslims shouldn't be able to serve in Congress.

In 2006, Moore said Rep. Keith Ellison, who he calls "Muslim Ellison," should not be able to serve in Congress.

8. Moore praised Putin for his stance on gay marriage

Move on folks, nothing gay to see here. Credit: alexey nikosky/AFP/Getty Images

Moore said "maybe Putin is right" and is "more akin to me than I know" given the leader's stance on gay rights.

We "promote a lot of bad things" in America, Moore said, and listed same-sex marriage -- not Karen Pence's crappy towel charm line -- as an example.

9. Moore said America asked for "shootings and killings" for taking God out of everything.

"You wonder why we're having shootings, and killings here in 2017? Because we've asked for it," Moore recently said. "We've taken God out of everything. We've taken prayer out of school, we've taken prayer out of council meetings."

To be fair, I did include god when I said "OMFG" after reading this quote.

10. He loves anti-abortion poetry

While at a rally last week, Moore busted out a little slam poetry for the crowd: “Babies piled in dumpsters, abortion on demand, Oh, sweet land of liberty, your house is on the sand.”

11. He has suggested that gay people shouldn't be able to have children

In a 2002 custody dispute, Moore ruled in favor of a reportedly abusive ex-husband because the mother involved had become a lesbian.

"Homosexual behavior is crime against nature, an inherent evil, and an act so heinous that it defies one's ability to describe it," Moore opined at the time, suggesting that homosexuality alone would be enough of a factor to declare a parent unfit.

12. Moore received support former KKK leader David Duke on Twitter

"Alabama LANDSLIDE ! Trump: Keep Your Promises! Drain the Swamp -Don't Stock It with More Swamp Monsters! Lose Us & - YOU HAVE NOTHING!" Duke tweeted, probably accurately.

13. He recently brought out a gun at a rally while wearing a stupid hat

I've seen better cowboy costumes at the Party City on 14th street, and that place is the worst.

14. Moore rode a horse to the polls on election day.

Credit: AP/REX/Shutterstock

Yeeee-haaaaw! Is this real life?

15. He said transgender troop members have "misguided confusion over their God-given chromosomes."

"The U.S. Military is no place for social experiments," Moore said, in defense of Trump's transgender military ban.

16. Moore installed "Roy's Rock," a two-ton granite monument with the Ten Commandments on top, in the rotunda of the state judicial building.

A federal appeals court found the display unconstitutional in 2003 and Moore was later removed from office.

He won back his seat on the Supreme Court and returned to power in 2012 because *elongated sigh.

*

Democrats may not be able to stop him in the general, and moderate Republicans have been so far unable to restrain his impulses. Let's just hope Twitter doesn't grant him 280 characters, @jack.

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